Slipping into Stillness: how good can it get?

"Attention is a limited resource, so pay attention to where you pay attention."

Howard Rheingold

Seven days ago I walked into a Verizon store and bought the only flip phone that they had for sale. It was located in the very back corner away from all of the modern, shining screens. Judging by the size of the keys it is built for someone about 20 years my senior. Judging by the reaction of the sales associate, there are not many people these days that are making the choice I am making. "We're not all as brave as you." said the lady who checked me out. I laughed. I don't think it's brave, but it does seem to be a radical act in 2021. I can tell you that I don't regret my decision and that I have created a spaciousness in my life that I have not known for a very long time. It's quiet, really quiet and I love it.

I read more, ALOT more in fact and I don't feel the urge to look at my phone during the process. I take books with me to the park, I look around me. I don't look at my phone when I'm stopped at a stoplight. Because I quit social media four months ago, I don't have the FOMO that comes from not being able to look at a news feed throughout my day. I call people more (T9 texting is not my fave), I write more letters (yes, the handwritten kind). I find myself still facing the compulsive tendency to grab my phone to find the thing out RIGHT NOW, and instead making a mental note, an actual note (yes, the handwritten kind) or just letting go of needing to know. One thing that my meditation practice has taught me is that subtle energies require stillness to perceive. Our soul, our inner wisdom, our higher selves: that which is separate from our ego and our intellect, also require stillness to hear. I have recently made the intention to tune into that voice more closely. It is what has guided me to make the choice I am currently making.

"What does my soul want me to know today?" is a prompt that beloved teacher and channel Lee Harris recently asked of his audience during an online gathering in early winter. We were told to write down the first thing that flowed out of us, without letting our left brain/intellect interfere. This is what I wrote:

"Dearest Love,

Step into your Power. Allow a softening to occur. Let Love in. Forgive and be Free. Keep creating Stillness."

Not long after I wrote that I deleted my Instagram account (I deleted Facebook in May), and a few months after that here I am: clicking and clacking on a keyboard, listening to music (streamed from a tablet) and feeling a profound sense of gratitude for what I have created for myself. It's interesting, when I do turn on the computer to check email, news or whatever else I am doing on the internet, I notice a palpable shift in energy after about 15 minutes. It feels like my energy is being drained. 15 minutes y'all! I clocked an average of five hours a day on my smart phone! I am still facing the urge to fill the quiet with something, anything. That is when I practice my breathing and come back into my body. Observing and loving the parts of my ego that start to tantrum when faced with stillness. My nervous system feels more calm and when I can sit with the emptiness I feel more full. Full disclosure: I have used the camera on it as I have not yet purchased one yet. I don't intend to get rid of it and I am being very mindful of where I can get in a mindset of "good" vs "bad". Not having a smart phone is not better than having one, it is merely a different experience, one that I was craving and one I am so very, very. glad that I am currently having . That could change. 

"It's not a question of sitting by yourself and doing nothing, but instead asking 'How do you allocate the attention you have in more focused, intentional ways."

 Michael Goldhaber (a quote taken from this recent article in the NYT about the attention economy Opinion | Michael Goldhaber, the Cassandra of the Internet Age - The New York Times (nytimes.com)

One thing I noticed as a smart phone user was how fractured my attention was at any given moment of my day. I would wake up and take in various forms of information. Whether that was social media, the news or an article, my attention was focused on that subject long after the time that I shut off the screen. It affected how I behave with my child, my husband and MYSELF. I feel like I am unbreaking my mind and gaining back my attention span. I feel free in a way that feels almost gleeful. I am no longer tethered to a device that I had with me at all times. There are hours that go by that I don't look at my phone now. If it pings or rings I respond. Then again sometimes I put it on silent and don't obligate myself to responding at all. There was always a reality available to me beyond the reactive and external world of constant online engagement. It's quieter, slower and very, very sweet. I'm so glad that I have made the choice to dwell here.