Life After Drinking: a story told in many fonts

"Sobriety is where you become who you truly are." Glennon Doyle

 Two years ago today I stopped drinking alcohol. I was almost 39 years old and it was the decision that began my journey back to myself. Mine is not a story of 12 steps or one day at a time. I do not have a rock bottom to speak of (or perhaps my rock bottom was not the catalyst). I was ready, that's it. I was SO ready to be done drinking alcohol that I did and I didn't look back.  But it was a journey to get to that point. A long journey full of many stops and starts and shame spirals. I am so grateful for alcohol. It has been one of my greatest teachers. Its tentacles no longer tickle my temptation receptors, but I do see it for the very powerful  substance that it is, and I respect it. Aside from motherhood, nothing else has left me so humbled. Thankfully, motherhood is much more fulfilling than drinking. It was motherhood, ultimately, that led me to hear, with more clarity, the whispering voice of my soul. That whisper grew louder and led me to the realization that booze was hindering my personal growth and evolution, and no longer has a place in my life. 

The first time I drank alcohol I was 14 years old. I was at the beach in Neskowin  for the 4th of July celebration, next to a raging bonfire when my friend's older sister offered me a beer. Fresh out of the 8th grade, I had no idea what I was doing. I drank the whole beer and a few hours later my mom found me passed out on top of a boy I had been making out with. A rude awakening for her, a new awakening for me. This first experience did not lead me down a hard drinking path right away. I went through high school drinking here and there (ingesting psychedelics with gusto), and when you drink in high school it is almost always binge drinking. Not a lot of sipping was happening back then. Next, I was off to college where I drank with the same infrequency, but rarely moderating when I did drink. My early 20's were marked by the usual milestones (a 21rst birthday spent bar hopping and puking), and by the time I reached my mid twenties black outs became a regular experience for me. I want to clarify that blackouts are not the same thing as passing out. It is when you are walking around with your eyes open, talking and seemingly awake with absolutely NO memory of anything that you said or did when you wake up the next day. If I had reached a certain level of inebriation, it was guaranteed that I was blacked out. When I was this level of drunk, I was not fun or funny or fun loving. I was mean. 

"No one has fun when you drink whiskey" my husband told me "Not even you."

He wasn't wrong. I swore off whiskey for awhile, but all liquor got me to that same point eventually. Fermented beverages were my preference, but I liked the image of someone who drank whiskey. I forced myself to like it and then I grew a taste for it, to my detriment and anyone who happened to be in my company at the time.

I was not known as a lush or a problematic drinker (at least not to my knowledge-ha!). I worked in the restaurant industry, which, in case you haven't heard, is the hardest drinking industry on Earth. I was surrounded by people who drank exactly like me, or much, much more. It was rare to meet a moderate drinker in the service industry. Work hard, play hard. And boy, howdy did we. 

I would periodically take breaks from drinking. I would notice how much better I felt and how much more clarity I had when I abstained. But my friend group were ALL drinkers and I did not know anyone who was sober. Sobriety was seen through the lens of recovery and I did not identify as an alcoholic. I could limit myself to to two drinks (it took effort, but could do it). I did not drink every day (unless I did) and I LIKED drinking and didn't want to stop (until I did). When I went to yoga school, I stopped drinking for a few months. The day after I graduated from yoga school I turned 30, and soon after that I entered into the most hard drinking, amoral period of my life. For two years I drank more heavily and frequently than I ever had, blacked out more than I ever had and engaged in activities and behaviors that were self destructive and self serving. I have a very patient and forgiving husband and apparently a lot of guardian angels (drunk driving was not something that I abstained from). 

"It will take getting pregnant to calm my ass down." I would frequently say. Indeed, my pregnancy was  the event that quelled my drinking. And although my consumption never returned to  pre baby levels (at least not regularly), I did start drinking again soon after my son was born. It was moderate, casual and seemingly "normal". Alcohol is so normalized in our culture that grey area drinking ( a category that tens of millions of people fall in) is rarely considered to be a problem. 

"You don't have to have a problem with drinking for drinking to be a problem." Mia ( @thesoberglow on Instagram)

During my last six years as a drinker I came to many realizations about alcohol, and many of them came from the sober community on Instagram (particularly sober women). I credit that platform for my awakening to the many faces of sobriety (outside of a 12 step model) and, ultimately, to my first attempts (and later final attempt) at quitting alcohol for good. Alcohol is an addictive (extremely addictive) substance and it is one of the only drugs on Earth where we (culturally) lay the blame of addiction on the user. Yes, some people can moderate, but it is ALOT harder for a lot of people to moderate than they will admit. 

"We are told if we drink moderately, alcohol will do wonderful things for us-red wine as all those antioxidants (and resveratrol). We are supposed to be able to consume alcohol with ease, as part of a healthy and balanced lifestyle. If we can't do this, there is something wrong with us, not the substance itself. 

Drinking is so normalized and so unquestioned, that we have essentially drawn a line down the middle and put people on one side or the other. There are normal drinkers, and there are alcoholics. For the normal drinkers, alcohol is healthy! And good for you! And in the words of Cheryl Strayed (who overcame heroin addiction), 'Wonderful and Joyous!' For the alcoholics, alcohol is bad. Which is not unlike saying heroin is wonderous and joyous when used in moderation, but for Cheryl Strayed it was bad."

Holly Whitaker, Quit Like a Woman: The Radical Choice to Not Drink in a Culture Obsessed with Alchohol

The book that I referenced above is one of my favorite books in the category often referred to as "Quit Lit." Holly is one of the women I discovered on Instagram and her book is wonderful. I highly recommend it, whether you are considering quitting drinking or not. 

 Also in her book is a bit about alcohol being ethanol. Yes, the same ethanol that we put into our cars.

“Ethanol is a volatile, flammable, colourless liquid with a slight chemical odour. It is used as an antiseptic, a solvent, in medical wipes and antibacterial formulas because it kills organisms by denaturing their proteins.

Ethanol is an important industrial ingredient. Ethanol is a good general purpose solvent and is found in paints, tinctures, markers and personal care products such as perfumes and deodorants.

The largest single use of ethanol is as an engine fuel and fuel additive. In other words, we drink, for fun, the same thing we use to make rocket fuel, house paint, anti-septics, solvents, perfumes, and deodorants and to denature, i.e. to take away the natural properties of, or kill, living organisms. Which might make sense on some level if we weren’t a generation of green minded, organic, health-conscious, truth seeking individuals. But we are.

We read labels, we shun gluten, dairy, processed foods, and refined sugars. We buy organic, we use natural sunscreen and beauty products. We worry about fluoride in our water, smog in our air, hydrogenated oils in our food, and we debate whether plastic bottles are safe to drink from.

We replace toxic cleaning products with Mrs. Myers and homemade vinegar concoctions. We do yoga, we run, we SoulCycle and Fitbit, we go paleo and keto, we juice, we cleanse. We do coffee enemas and steam our yonis, and drink clay and charcoal, and shoot up vitamins, and sit in infrared foil boxes, and hire naturopaths, and shamans, and functional doctors, and we take nootropics and we stress about our telomeres. These are all real words.

We are hyper-vigilant about everything we put into our body, everything we do to our body, and we are proud of this. We Instagram how proud we are of this, and we follow Goop and Well+Good, and we drop 40 bucks on an exercise class because there are healing crystals in the floor.

The global wellness economy is estimated to be worth $4 trillion. $4 TRILLION DOLLARS. We are on an endless and expensive quest for wellness and vitality and youth. And we drink fucking rocket fuel.”

 I am not putting down anyone who chooses to drink alcohol. I am just sharing the realizations I came to as I made the slow steps towards quitting for good. Women are targeted by the alcohol marketing machine like no other demographic. "Rose All Day" "Mommy Juice"-These hashtags are plastered all over social media. Alcohol Use Disorder in women has increased something like 80% in the last decade. I learned these things through sober women and authors that I found on Instagram and when I opened up that rabbit hole my world was forever changed.

Once I had my eyes opened to another perspective on drinking and realized that I was not alone in feeling like alcohol was not and had NEVER been my ally, and that I was not alone in feeling like it was REALLY hard to moderate my drinking, I decided to quit. That first attempt lasted three months. I was not really ready. I loved my IPA's I loved having wine with food (still miss this one a bit), I still loved my occasional whiskey. But because I was taking more extended breaks from it, I was becoming more sensitive to the affects it had on me. What I noticed EVERY time that I drank alcohol was how my energy levels and mood were affected. When you are a mom you do not have the luxury of sleeping in or "nursing" a hangover. Your time is not your own any more. I was (and am) parenting a very intense and explosive child. He is also an amazing, creative kid, he's just a lot. Even when I had had only one beer the night before I noticed that my emotional landscape was much rockier. I was less patient, more grumpy and way, way more tired. I would take six weeks off drinking and then come back to it again. Every time I came back, my realizations about alcohol and my relationship to it became magnified. Any time I had more than two drinks my desire for a cigarette was overwhelming. Those neural pathways had been formed in my teens and tobacco and alcohol went together like peas and carrots. I would bum cigarettes from my co workers, buy packs and hide them in the closet so my son wouldn't find them in my purse. I was just so tired of that pattern, but I kept doing it. Over and over and over and over...until I didn't 

My last drink of alcohol was on March 9, 2019. Our friend Finn was visiting from Ashland and "Life is more fun with Finn" I always say (because it is). He just has this playful, fun energy and is always down for party and adventure. I asked Dustin to pick up a bottle of tequila on his way home "Not the cheap stuff"' I said. He complied. Finn came! We reveled in his fun-ness! We drank a bit of tequila, then when Max went to sleep we drank more! Finn had menthols! I LOVED menthols (when I was drunk) and he happily shared them with me. There is something about smoking a menthol when high on tequila. It's Divine, truly. Just. So. Fucking. Good. 

The day after? Not so much. 

I woke the day after the revelry with a familiar feeling of heavy body, foggy brain and scratchy throat. What wasn't familiar was a clarity and inner resolve that permeated my awareness. I knew that the night before had been my last night of drinking. I knew that I didn't want to keep repeating the cycle of drinking and smoking. I knew that I wanted to break down the wall that was keeping me from the next stage of my personal evolution. Alcohol and growth did not go hand and hand for me and I was ready to be done. I felt calm and ready. A smile began deep inside my being and spread to my face. My mood was jubilant despite the hangover.  We all went out to brunch in Montavilla and I drank coffee instead of a Bloody Mary. I was so excited and ready to begin my new, sober life.

 A few days later I let Dustin know about my choice. He, as always, supported me and also humorously gave me shit for asking him to buy a top shelf bottle of tequila and then only drinking 3 shots of it.

"You always did have expensive taste. Now you've let left me with a liquor I don't even want." he said.

I shrugged and told him he could dump it out.  Needless to say he didn't' and got his moneys worth. It took him months to finish. That bottle is now the receptacle that holds our olive oil. It's a beautiful reminder of how far I've come (and a beautiful bottle).

"I realized that my sobriety isn’t a limitation. Sobriety isn’t even a “have to” – it’s a superpower." Brene Brown 

I went forward into sobriety with a deep, inner resolve combined with a new feeling that I hadn't had in my previous stints as a teetotaler: giddy excitement. I had practiced playing sober many times at that point. In my past attempts, I was not all in. I still had an attachment to the buzz, the taste, the nostalgic connection to the very act of drinking. This time, I let alcohol go with reverence, not revulsion. I didn't swear it off in a wicked hangover full of self loathing and shame. I THANKED it for what it has taught me, what it has given me and for who I was becoming because of it, not in spite of it. 

It wasn't about "I don't get to drink any more." Instead, it was " I don't HAVE to drink anymore." 

The difference between those two perspectives is huge. To me, sobriety is freedom, and my life without alcohol is rich beyond measure.

"If recovery is anything, it's the first step on the path to radical self awareness. We begin to tell the truth for the first time in our lives, connect to our essential way of being, develop a deep self compassion, and an appreciation of our fullest individual self expression." HW

By the time I stopped drinking I was only drinking maybe one or two times a week, and I usually only had two drinks. My drinking was minimal and in control. And yet, alcohol was still affecting my life in a way that was hindering my spiritual growth and evolution. It was blocking a pathway to my inner self that I was deeply longing for. By the time I stopped drinking I was no longer surrounded by a peer group who drank heavily (which is a HUGE factor in my success). I had no FOMO, only JOMO. I don't feel triggered by my husband or anyone else drinking around me. In fact, I was blessed to get sober at a time when non alcoholic craft beer came into existence and I can still enjoy the taste of my beloved IPA's. I feel so grateful for that. 

I feel so grateful for SO many things on the other side of drinking. To name a few:

*Better sleep

*Clearer skin and brighter eyes

*Clarity of mind

*Consistent meditation practice

*Deeper connection with myself, my son and and my husband

*Getting to know the deeper parts of myself

*Feeling ALL of it, without numbing out

*A growing awareness of the subtle energies around me

* Better overall health

*Profound sense of gratitude to wake up hangover free every morning

Sobriety is personal. Recovery is personal. I don't really identify as a person in recovery in the traditional sense (12 steps), but I do like to think I am in a full time process of recovering my true self. When I was drinking that was not possible. It was like a brick wall went up when I chose to imbibe and I was back to square one. Now that wall has crumbled and I am walking through to the other side without looking back. Because, in the words (once again) of the indelible Holly, "Life after drinking is as big as it gets."

**********************************************************************************

Thank you to all who support me in my evolution and to the few of you who read my blog. I really appreciate you (and if you can tell me how to get my font type to be consistent I would LOVE it). Below, I am going to reference the people on Instagram and authors (often the same people) who were incredibly influential in my journey into sobriety. The sober community is growing and we are claiming our own way of doing it, outside of traditional models (mad respect for 12 steps and those who work the program, it was just never for me). I am in debt to these amazing women, their stories, and am so grateful that I found them and their work. I have also included a blog post by Holly that I love and a book by Allan Carr, who is not on social media (because he is dead.) Please feel free to share this blog post on your social media platform if you feel called to. I hope it inspires someone.

**********************************************************************************

Holly Whitaker

Instagram handle: @Holly

Book: Quit Like a Woman: The Radical Choice to Not Drink in a Culture Obsessed with Alcohol

Laura Mckowan

Instagram handle: @lauramckowan

Book: We are the Luckiest: The Surprising Magic of a Sober Life

Ann Dowsett Johnston

Book: Drink: The Intimate Relationship Between Women and Alcohol

Mia

Instagram handle: @thesoberglow

Annie Grace

Instagram handle: @thisnakedmind

Book: This Naked Mind: Control Alcohol (Find Freedom, Discover Happiness and Change Your Life)

Allen Carr

Book: Easy Way to Control Alcohol

Holly's Blog Post from three years ago, that resonated so deeply for me as I knew I had a deeply dysfunctional relationship with alcohol but did not identify as an alcoholic:

9 Reasons The Label "Alcoholic" Should Die Already. — HIP SOBRIETY