What Does Little Selené Have To Say?

"Some People can't see you because they can't even begin to know where to find you."

Maryam Hasnaa 

The past week of parenting has brought me to my knees in grief, anger and overwhelm. As I navigate parenting my intensely emotional and explosive child my nervous system goes haywire and I completely shut down; to myself and to my child. "FUCK YOU YOU STUPID BITCH I HOPE YOU DIE." I have heard these words and much worse. Terrible? Sure. Hurtful? Most certainly. And also, an SOS from a soul that is in so much pain and overwhelm, lashing out and expressing his suffering with deft verbal acuity, meant to pierce with the same depth of intensity he feels inside. We mirror each other’s energy, we are stuck and depleted.

 "We need to bring him in" I told my husband after the dust had settled. But did I bring him in in the moment? No. I shut down, I pushed him away, I disassociated, I yelled right back. Reconnecting with him is imperative and practicing self forgiveness is a lifeline to finding my compassionate heart, which feels so far away in those moments.

"What does little Selené  have to say?" asked my soul sister Jaime when we checked in over the holiday weekend. 

I didn't have an answer for that. It had never occurred to me to go that deep with myself. Little Selené ...where is she? How long has it been since I connected with her? So long I didn't know the answer to those questions either. So that evening, I lit a candle at my altar and asked her what she would like to say to me. As I closed my eyes and breathed into my belly. I dropped into my heart center and in that moment instead of words I just saw color, the color purple. Waves and waves of purple flooded my vision the likes of which I can barely find the words to describe. Purple was my favorite color as a little girl. I don't remember what age that changed as ideas and beliefs and awareness of others opinions influenced my choices. But purple came back to me in that meditation, a direct message from my childhood self. She made herself known and tears flooded my eyes. "I'm so sorry" I whispered, not knowing logically what I was sorry for. "I'm so, so sorry" I held myself and rocked. Later that week I found my second grade picture, strawberry vest, top tooth hole and feathered 80's bangs on display. So cute. She is on my altar right now as I am bringing her in for integration and healing. 

My childhood was beautiful and held in magic and Divine Feminine energy. I love my dad and he loves me greatly and he is also a broken and deeply flawed human. He and my mom separated when I was very young. I armored up to be around him, to hold my own, to exist within the rigidity of his paternal family line. I am so deeply intuitive that I knew what was needed to avoid his temper and to keep everyone in my environment at ease. I also knew that showing up in my full power and expression was not something I felt safe doing. There is a part of little me that went deep inside at such a young age I am truly only now becoming aware of it. 

When my husband and I were blindsided by a pregnancy a few years back and then faced the heartbreaking decision to end the pregnancy due to genetic complications, I went into it with a resigned and guarded stoicism. I spoke of it frankly and openly, but not deeply, it was too much. I connected with the soul before we ended my pregnancy and thanked it and let it go. It was not that it was not honored or held in love, it's that I was not very connected to my heart while I was going through it. I still have not fully processed it. My sister in law asked my husband how they could support me. He said he didn't know how to answer that.

"Am I that hard to read?" I asked

"Kind of." he answered. "I mean, yeah. Very."

My sister often comments on how "stoic" I seem when I am going through hard things and how unemotional I seem. There is a very tender center to me and truth be told, I don't think I have ever let it be truly seen, felt or expressed. Vulnerability is something that feels so profoundly uncomfortable to me that my first reaction to it is anger. I just can't even begin to know how to be that raw, that seen. I am a very fluid writer and communicator, but put me face to face with those closest to me, to discuss anything intimate and I will shut the fuck down. I will pontificate intellectually for hours, I will even put on a front of openness. I can read a room like a champ, I can be whatever I am needed to be, but can I be wholly and completely myself?  I am now being faced with peeling back the next layer of the onion of my own being and it is sticky and tender and terrifying. To be truly seen, to be truly known, to see myself in my entirety and love all of it. A big part of me really doesn't want to go there. But I know it is the next step in my awakening. It is the key to showing up for my son with a truly embodied love and genuine compassion. It is an invitation to real connection. I am married to a very patient man who has always been fully embodied as himself. He is not a seeker like me. He does not look outside of himself for something that he feels is missing. I, on the other have always been a seeker. I have played with so many different personas. I exist so easily in the mental realms, but it is the heart that I am mean to connect with in this lifetime. I am meant to shine in all of my Divine aspects. One of those aspects has been ignored for so long that it took the prompt of another to get me to even consider going that deep. 

So with the waning of the light and the coming of the new moon I will go deeper within. I will keep asking and inviting my smallest self to come back and be known. I will listen to the wisdom of purple. I will open to the song of my soul and see if I can muster the courage to sing.